Don't Be So Nosey

You might remember some time ago that I mentioned how my wife tends to snore on occassion. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an understatement. She's done it since I've known her. It was bad then, but eventually it got worse when she became pregnant with our son. Actually, worse isn't an apt description. It became intolerable. I couldn't sleep very well and when I did I would wake up in the morning and notice I couldn't hear out of my right ear as well. I feared that repeated exposure to this kind of noise would make me go deaf.

So, I moved. I have been sleeping in the guest bedroom ever since. This has been working out great. Well, except when we actually have guests.

However, to her credit, she has readily taken steps to rectify the situation, and hopefully, eventually allow me to come back to bed.

First, she participated in a sleep study. The results of this were interesting as it showed she has restless legs. She didn't know that and neither did I. Probably because the snoring made everything in the bed vibrate, in essence masking any motion of her legs.

The results of the study also indicated that she woke herself up around 124 times an hour, never allowing herself to get into a good REM sleep. Me either.

In other words, the quality of her sleep sucked.

Before she had the study, we talked about the possible treatments. I had narrowed it down to four:

The wife wearing a CPAP (Continuous Positive Air Pressure) device. Basically, a device you have to strap on to your face every night that forces your airway open and that makes a Darth Vader sound all night long. Neither one of us saw this as a viable option. Especially after seeing Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith. I just know I'd have recurring dreams of Vader in that lava.

Drugs. A great short-term solution perhaps, but sleeper's crack tends to only treat the symptoms and isn't a cure for snoring.

Surgery. Remove some scar tissue in her throat and fix a terribly deviated septum. This would hopefully clear the airway enough to stop the madness.

Nothing. We continue to sleep in separate rooms.

Yep, she chose the surgery. It happened last week. She recovered over the weekend and is about to have her nose "splint" removed tomorrow. Which is good, because she says it's starting to itch.

Has it helped? Don't know yet. I'm still sleeping downstairs until she gets the OK from the doc. In case you haven't figured it out, I REALLY value my sleep. My wife values my sleep too, because she knows that without it, I'm, well, unpleasant to be around.

Me, unpleasant? Sure you jest! (No, I don't and don't call me Shirley - insert rim shot here...) Yes, there's proof. If you believe my wife anyway.

Stay tuned and I'll let you know how this plays out.

-la

Ask a Ninja

If I were ever to interview Lance Manion's Office Ninja, I suspect this is what the interview would go like:

Ask a Ninja

Or, maybe more like this exerpt on Net Neutrality, on Ask a Ninja.com. Yeah, it'd probably be more like that. Despite the lack of backup singers.

-la

Superheroes on the Toilet

Yes, I'm a guy. Yes, potty humor is still funny. I did mention I was a guy, right?

Came across this tonight.

Superheroes on the Toilet

Funny sh*& (um, so to speak...)

-la

...ah....ah....atchoo!!!

One thing I noticed when I moved to Oklahoma several
years ago was the high degree of allergens in the air
and the sheer number of people who had allergies. And,
I don't mean the occassional sniffle.

As a young Lex growing up, my dad, Papa Armenia, had
allergies. He'd sneeze a lot in the springtime. He
used to say that it was hay fever and that it would go
away by summer. But, upon reflection, it must have been
pretty bad, bcause there were a lot of times that he
would be laid out by allergy medication for an entire
afternoon.

The wife has allergies, too. She sneezes a lot, takes
lots of meds, and as a young girl even took allergy
shots.

I think I got lucky. I don't seem to have allergies.
Well, I used to think I didn't until I was visiting a
friend of mine who had a cat. I pet the cat and then
inadvertently rubbed my eyes without first washing my
hands. Then, all hell broke loose. From that point, I
vowed that I would never own a cat.

Or so I thought...

When I met the future Mrs. Armenia, the only reservation
I had about the whole situation was that she owned not
one, not two, but three cats. She calmly explained to
me that all I needed to do was suffer for about a year
and I would build up an immunity to them. I hate to
admit that she was right and that I'm now the
not-so-proud owner of three cats. Granted, the cats we
own today are a different set than those that "broke me
in".

However, they are still cats. We have friends
that come over occassionally that haven't been through
the gauntlet. Their exposure to the fuzzy little life
forms is limited and they always leave sneezing. After
departing with the usual pleasantries, I picture them
driving home at breakneck speed so that they can jump
into a decon shower and spray themselves off as if
they'd been contaminated with ricin.

Yeah, I used to do that, too. (Shh...don't tell my
wife!)

Now, thanks to modern technology and advances in
science, this typical situation can now be avoided.

What on earth are you talking about, Lex?

Glad you asked.

My sister-in-law recently sent me an advertisement for
Allerca, a company that breeds what they call "lifestyle pets".

Lifestyle pets? Hmm...sounds kinky.

In reality, Allerca is a company that breeds
hypoallergenic cats. Yes, you read that right. Using
"interpretive biodiagnostics" Allerca has genetically
modified Fluffy in order to control your sneezin' and
wheezin'.

Now why the hell didn't they have this like, oh, 5 years
ago? Would have made my life much easier.

However, there are always drawbacks. For one, the
price. "Allerca GD (genetic divergence) kittens are
priced at US$3950.00."

The ad goes on to say that "The ALLERCA hypoallergenic
cat will allow consumers to enjoy the love and
companionship of a pet without the cost, inconvenience,
risk, and limited effectiveness of current allergy
treatments."

Without the cost...of current allergy treatments?

I dunno, man. I can buy a crapload of Benedryl for four
thousand bucks. Hell, I can buy a crapload of Benedryl
and a new flat panel plasma TV for four thousand bucks.

So, is it worth it? Some people would say yes. Of
course, these are the same people who probably have
allergies so bad and like their pets so much that
spending any amount of money is worth it. These are the
same people whose pets get regular checkups, get their
teeth cleaned regularly, and have their own health
insurance...

Oops, wait, we do all that...well, my WIFE does all
that. I just don't say no. You know, because I'm not
allowed.

Ugh, I feel so emasculated right now.

Anyway, back to the point. What was the point?
Oh yeah...don't spend $4000 on a cat that doesn't
make you sneeze. Unless you react SO badly that
you keep Eppie pens all over the house just in case
Fluffy rubs up against your unprotected leg.

Otherwise just do what I had to do: buy Benedryl
and suffer.

-la